okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Randomize
