Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
