you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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