She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
