so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
