Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
