You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
