My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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