you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
