She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
