This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
