I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
