seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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