So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
