i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
