Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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