John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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