I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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