So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
