Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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