I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
