We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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