I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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