If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
