Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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