and i looked up. we had an audience...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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