just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
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I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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