wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
