What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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