the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
