Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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