She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
