Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
