Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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