Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
