I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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