Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
