I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
