Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
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