I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
