i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
