You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
