My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
