Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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