I just threw up on my dentist
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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