i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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