John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
