im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
