This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
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It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
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Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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