I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Green mimosas i think yes
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
