First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
