this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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